


If Only, If Only

by mericorn



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Gen, Pale Romance | Moirallegiance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-10
Updated: 2014-01-10
Packaged: 2018-01-07 20:14:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1123920
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mericorn/pseuds/mericorn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <span class="kanaya">GA: Hello</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="kanaya">GA: I Don’t Believe We’ve Spoken Before</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="terezi">GC: NO YOUR3 R1GHT W3 H4V3NT</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="terezi">GC: 1 C4NT 1M4G1N3 WHY 1 WOULD T4LK TO YOU 4NYW4Y</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="kanaya">GA: But I Believe You Are Also Playing SGrub</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="kanaya">GA: I Am On The Red Team.</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="terezi">GC: TH3 R3D T34M YOU S4Y?</span>
  <br/>
  <span class="terezi">GC: WH4T 4 COINCID3NCE >:]</span>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	If Only, If Only

**Author's Note:**

  * For [placentalmammal](https://archiveofourown.org/users/placentalmammal/gifts).



\--grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]\--

GA: Hello  
GA: I Don’t Believe We’ve Spoken Before  
GC: NO YOUR3 R1GHT W3 H4V3NT  
GC: 1 C4NT 1M4G1N3 WHY 1 WOULD T4LK TO YOU 4NYW4Y  
GA: But I Believe You Are Also Playing SGrub  
GA: I Am On The Red Team  
GC: TH3 R3D T34M YOU S4Y?  
GC: WH4T 4 COINCID3NCE >:]  
GC: 4LTHOGH ODD CONS1D3R1NG 1V3 B33N R3CRU1T1NG 3V3RYON3  
GA: Karkat Invited Me   
GA: He Went On About How He Was The Leader Of The Red Team And How I Should Absolutely Join Him If I Wanted To Be On The Victorious Side  
GA: I Believe I Would Be Correct If I Assumed You Already Knew What I Meant  
GC: H3H3H3H3H3H3H3  
GC: Y34H H3 WH1N3D LONG 3NOUGH TH4T I G4V3 H1M TH3 L3AD3R POS1T1ON  
GC: LOOKS L1K3 H3 W3NT 4H34D 4ND M4D3 H1MS3LF COMFORT4BL3  
GC: I KN3W H3 WOULD  
GC: SO 1F W3R3 ON TH3 S4M3 T34M WH3N 4R3 YOU 3NT3R1NG TH3 M3D1UM?  
GA: As I Recall, I Am Supposed To Be The Last One To Enter  
GA: Karkat Will Hopefully Bring Me In Before The Meteors Destroy Me And Too Much Of My Landscaping  
GA: My Lusus Is Already Dead But Not From Meteors  
GC: >:?  
GA: She Was A Mother Grub And Was Already Close To Death  
GC: MY LUSUS W4S 4N 3GG FOR MOST OF MY L1F3  
GC: SH3 F1N4LLY H4TCH3D TH3N 4 M3T3OR H1T H3R  
GA: Oh My  
GA: I Am Sorry  
GC: N4H 1TS OK  
GC: SH3 COMMUN1C4T3D TO M3 THROUGH MY DR34MS  
GA: Well That Is Good I Suppose  
GA: I Can’t Imagine Growing Up Without My Lusus It Is Very Dangerous Where I Live  
GC: 1 L1V3 1N 4 FOR3ST 1N A TR33 HOUS3  
GC: 1TS PR3TTY GR34T  
GC: SO M4NY 3VILDO3RS H4V3 B33N BROUGHT TO JUST1C3 4ND 4R3 CURR3NTLY H4NG1ING FOR TH31R CR1M3S  
GA: I Am Sure It Is Quite A Sight To See  
GC: WOW W4Y TO GO M4K1NG FUN OF 4 BL1ND G1RL  
GC: 4R3 YOU PROUD OF YOURS3LF?  
GA: I Am Very Sorry I Did Not Know That But How Are You Typing And Reading Now If You Are Blind  
GC: 1 L1CK TH3 SCR33N 4ND SM3LL IM4G3S OBV1OUSLY  
GC: 4R3 YOU SUR3 YOU W3R3 SCHOOLF3D PROP3RLY?  
GC: TH1S 1S 101 B4SIC FOR 4LL WR1GL3RS  
GC: YOUR LUSUS N33D3D TO ST3P UP H3R G4M3  
GA: I Was Unaware Of Such Teachings  
GA: Was The Lesson Rigorous  
GC: OH Y3S QUIT3 3XH4UST1V3  
GC: MOST GRUBS WOULD H4V3 D13D, SP1LL1NG TH31R D3L1C1OUS BLOOD TH3 COLD GROUND  
GA: Wait  
GA: Do You Appreciate Rainbow Drinkers Too  
GA: I Thought I Was The Only One  
GA: Have You Read Any Good Novels Or Uh Smelled Any Good Movies About Them  
GC: WH4T  
GC: 1 H4V3 NO CLU3 WH4T YOU 4R3 T4LKING 4BOUT  
GC: WHY WOULD 1 C4R3 4BOUT R41NBOW DR1NK3RS  
GC: UNL3SS TH3Y W3R3 R41NBOW DR1NKING L4WY3RS  
GC: TH3N 1 WOULD B3 1NT3R3ST3D >:]  
GA: I Just Thought That If You Thought Blood Were Delicious That  
GA: Never Mind  
GA: Anyway To Go Back To The Initial Subject I Will Be Entering The Medium Late  
GA: It Would Be Nice To Meet Up Once We Get There If You Could Find The Time  
GA: I Am Sure We Will All Be Quite Busy But You Seem Very Interesting  
GC: 1LL TH1NK 4BOUT 1T

\--grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]\--

\----- 

The Land is bright and pulsing enough that Kanaya’s eyes are straining just being open. Muddy, coral colored water rushes by in rivers, sometimes going up grassy green hills, sometimes going down. Ruined stone buildings and chips sit in the valleys and on the hills, haphazardly arranged. In the distance, she can see a blue and purple tree contrasted against the green sky and ground. Hopefully, Terezi will be there.

She hears a cackle behind her. “Hey Kanaya!” Terezi is not at her hive.

“Hello. How is everything? I came quite far to get here you know, so I assume much has changed since we last spoke.”

“I’ve just been exploring. Do you know how many riddles there are in these lands?” Terezi sits on a smooth weathered stone and rests her cane on her lap. 

Kanaya shifts her weight from one hip to the other. “I am going to assume that is rhetorical, but if it is not, the answer is… too many.”

Terezi throws back her head in a snap of laughter and Kanaya can see a crescent of sharp, white teeth in Terezi’s mouth. “You got that right!” She slides her foot onto her other knee and leans her shoulders back. “All the riddles are encrypted too; they might be trying to hone my seer powers. Or maybe just my powers to smell through bullshit.”

“A tough task no doubt,” Kanaya says, “even for the most properly schoolfed of us.”

Terezi pauses (Kanaya can see the slightest furrow in her brow) until she laughs again. “Most definitely! I might even be able to schoolfeed you after I finish all of these crazy quests!”

Kanaya smiles enough to show her teeth, but they quickly disappear when she spots a few reddish beings on the horizon. “Imps and ogres,” she states matter of factly. 

Her jade lipstick is in her right hand as Terezi jumps off the rock. “It wouldn’t be much of a visit if you didn’t get attacked at least once in my land!” Her stance is wide and ready. Kanaya revs her chainsaw. They charge toward the imps.

The first one closest to them is of comparatively small size, with the face of Hoofbeast, the body of a sea horse, and the wings of a fairy bull. Terezi whaps it with the head of her cane before unsheathing the blade inside and slicing the imp neatly across the torso. It explodes, leaving coral and white colored grist.

Kanaya charges towards the next imp. It is far larger, with a long slithering body, stumpy legs and the face of her Mother Grub. She has learned that while they have parts of their lususes, they are not them. They are not whole. Their lususes are dead and prototyped, converted to the game. Kanaya saws the imp in half. More grist covers the ground.

Terezi continues smacking and shanking any imp foolish enough to get her attention, no matter what its size. Kanaya likewise rampages through, chainsawing everything in half. With both working in tandem, it rains muddy grist onto the grass, piling next to ruined rock.

A much larger enemy looms above them, though imp or ogre neither can say. The Speaker of the Vast Glub has left its mark on this one, arms and tendrils coming from every possible area. The left head has one large eye and one small horn; the right head is hard and pointy like a carapace with four tiny eyes. 

Terezi jumps high, stabbing the left head’s eye before retracting her cane and smacking the other head. She latches onto the side of the creature and climbs up. Swiftly, Terezi slashes at tentacles before they can reach her.

Meanwhile, chainsaw roaring, Kanaya runs and slices off bottom tentacles. She dodges them before shredding them, a dance of metal and flesh. 

The monster falters for a moment with no tentacles to support it. Tentacles from the midsection however quickly retake the fallen ones and lift the monster back up.

Terezi and Kanaya continue the assault, Terezi from above, Kanaya from below. Finally, it explodes. As grist pops from where he creature was, Terezi lands gracefully and Kanaya retracts her chainsaw and smooths out her blue dress. Terezi grins at Kanaya; Kanaya smiles back.

“That was great!” Terezi holds up her right hand in victory. They high-five. “And I guess you’re not bad either.”

Kanaya applies her lipstick. “Yes, but other than Feferi’s lusus, and Gamzee’s lusus, and Vriska’s lusus, and your lusus, nobody prototyped anything too terribly hard to beat. Also, we have been here for a while and climbing our respective echeladders, so we have gotten more skilled at killing things, as you know.” 

Terezi pushes her glasses up the bridge of her nose. “Yeah, well. We did a good job.”

“Tell me one thing though.” Kanaya looks directly at Terezi. “Were you Vriska’s Scourge Sister?”

Terezi furrows her brow. “Yes. How do you know?”

“I may or may not have discussed her friends with her and gave her advice. She seemed torn up about you for some time. If you do not mind me asking, what happened?”

Terezi takes off her glasses to reveal her dead, ruby eyes. “Do you know how I went blind?”

\-----

 

“The reckoning is upon us.” Kanaya walks into the golden vaulted room, where Terezi has her back towards her. “Karkat and I need to find the last frog soon to complete Bilious Slick. I just wanted to check up with you one last time before everything happens and we are not able to see each other.”

Terezi reshelves the book she was smelling and turns around, smirking. “Hmm? Your job sounds very important. Are you sure you want to spend it with me? Especially where our most angry and impatient friendleader Karkat is involved. I would almost think you were procrastinating, coming to see me on Prospit!” Her smirk winds down to a small smile. “Thank you though.” Terezi puts a hand underneath her chin. “I have one more thing I need to do too.”

Kanaya moves to an arms length away from her. “What is it?”

“Don’t tell Karkat the specifics, but I’m exiling Jack Noir. With the reckoning going on, it needs to happen. Now.” 

“Is there any particular reason why you need to?”

Terezi closes her eyes and lets her hands fall to her sides. “Have you ever felt a strange voice inside your head that made you want to do things?”

“A few times yes.”

“And the only way to communicate with it was through writing with chalk on various surfaces?”

“…No, I can’t say I have.”

Terezi shrugs. “Then I guess you have no idea what I’m talking about! Anyway, I need to head over to some meteors to get it done. And I can’t have anyone interfering, sorry! No offense, you’re nice but kind of…” Terezi scrunches up her nose. “Meddling.” 

“I certainly haven’t heard that one before,” Kanaya deadpans.

“Why, are you deaf or something? Nah, I kid. Or do I?” Terezi raises her eyebrows, as she floats off the ground. “I have to go now. Sorry we couldn’t chat longer!”

“Terezi, wait.” Kanaya floats off the ground as well and cups Terezi’s cheek. “Be safe. …And don’t do anything too reckless.”

She lets her hand rest there for a few seconds until Terezi pushes her away. “I’ll be fine, don’t worry about it! I mean, I’ve stared into the sun and lived. What could a single carapace do?” Terezi flies out the window in her golden pyjamas. “Good luck finding that last frog!”

Kanaya watches until Terezi is nothing but a golden speck. Then she lays down on the floor, suddenly drowsy. She wakes up on her planet, rays piercing down onto the now uncovered landmasses. She boots up Trollian an hovers over the name carcinoGeneticist.

 -----

The meteor is dark, cold, and lonely. Shadows loom over bloodstains and broken machines. Kanaya walks quietly, straining to listen for any sound. She only hears her own footsteps. Absentmindedly, she tugs at the purple scarf around her waist, hiding where her stomach and lower spine used to be.

She turns around a corner and stops. What sounds like muffled sobbing emanates from the next room. Kanaya puts her back against the wall and shuffles towards the door. Slowly, she opens it.

Barely any light is inside the room, but Kanaya can see a red blob in the corner of the room. She creeps toward it and whispers “Hello?”

The blob jolts up to reveal a gray face with red glasses. “Terezi?” Kanaya asks.

“Go away.” Terezi curls back into a ball, with only her dragon cape showing.

Kanaya walks over and sits close to her without touching her. Kanaya pulls her knees to her chest and wraps her arms around her legs. “Do you want to talk?”

“No.” Terezi’s voice is muffled against the floor.

Kanaya waits. “Are you sure?”

“Yes,” Terezi whines.

Kanaya gazes around the room. Sheet metal has been pulled from the walls and scrap metal from broken machines. She stands up and picks up metal pieces, gathering them to a corner, attempting to do it quietly but failing. The cacophony of the banging and slamming of metal against metal almost drowns out the nasal sound of Terezi’s crying. 

Kanaya walks over and crouches next to Terezi, and pus her hand on her shoulder. “Do you want to sit with me?” Kanaya murmurs.

Terezi says “No, not really,” but Kanaya takes her hand anyway and leads her to the pile of metal. Terezi doesn’t so much sit as collapse onto the pile. Kanaya sighs and sits next to her.

“So. A lot has happened recently.”

Terezi says nothing.

“I assume you’ve talked to Rose? And Dave? And perhaps the Mayor?”

Terezi says nothing.

Kanaya shifts her sitting position. “Do you… miss anybody? Sollux? Nepeta? …Vriska?”

Terezi’s voice cracks like a joke. “I didn’t know what to do. I don’t know why I let it get to that point. I don’t know I didn’t see it coming. She always wanted glory. Always, always, always!” Terezi inhales through her nose to try and bring back errant snot. “I never wanted to kill her! But I did!”

Kanaya puts a hand on Terezi’s back. “Is this about Vriska?” Kanaya pauses. “I saw the blood, and… the body, but from I heard, I believe you did the right thing. If you hadn’t stabbed her, everyone on the meteor would have died (or earlier in Sollux’s case).” 

“But it doesn’t matter! I killed her! I’m a murderer! I’m no better than she ever¬–was…” Terezi flinches as Kanaya removes her red glasses and folds them into her lap. Kanaya takes a handkerchief from her sylladex and wipes gently at Terezi’s cheek. The cloth stains teal. 

“This is not a matter of whether killing is right or wrong but one where it is a difference between one dying or many. Please understand.” 

Terezi scowls. “I’d rather be dead than a murderer! But I guess you wouldn’t understand.”

Kanaya eyes widen in shock. “Eridan killed Feferi. Eridan killed me; I have the hole to prove it. Eridan destroyed the matriorb, our only hope of reviving our race.” Kanaya voice rose. “I killed him to prevent him from destroying and murdering anybody else. I had to kill him.” She pauses. “Just as you had to kill Vriska. Neither of us had a choice in killing if we wanted to live and protect others.”

“But I– I–“ Terezi wails.

Kanaya hugs her. “I’m sorry,” she whispers quietly. “I loved her too.”

Terezi cannot speak, not with her face buried into a shoulder, liquids streaming out of her face. Her breathes come out short choppy strokes, punctuated by gasping. 

Terezi shoves Kanaya away. “Leave me alone.”

“But you are in pain. I should keep you–“

“No. I need–“ Terezi gasps for air. “I need to be alone.”

“Are you sure? I am not sure crying by yourself in the dark is going to help you.”

“I don’t care. I just want to be alone.”

Kanaya slowly stands up. “Well… If that is what you really want.” She smooths out her skirt and adjusts and tightens her bow. Gingerly, she steps off the pile, each step creaking down metal.  
As she reaches the door, Kanaya looks over her shoulder. Terezi is in the same spot, only a red ball on the pile of metal.

As Kanaya closes the door, she can still hear Terezi’s sobs.

\-----

\--grimAuxiliatrix [GA] began trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]\--

GA: Hello Terezi  
GA: I Am Typing This To Check In On You  
GA: I Have Not Seen You For A While  
GA: I Know I Have Been Busy Spending Time With Rose  
GA: She Is Quite A Handful Now That She Wont Stop Drinking Human Alcohol  
GA:

\--gallowsCalibrator [GC] is idle!--

GA: Terezi Please Respond  
GA: I Am Worried About You  
GA:  
GA:  
GA:  
GA: I Know About Your Caliginous Relationship With Gamzee  
GA: I Am Not Trying To Kill Him Anymore If That Is What You Are Worried About  
GA: He Is Simply Not Worth My Time Or Effort  
GA:  
GA: I Cannot Make You Do Anything You Do Not Want To Do Because That Is Impossible  
GA: However Please Talk To Me Or Rose Or Dave Or Karkat Or Even The Mayor  
GA: We Can Help You  
GA: We Still Care About You  
GA: The Mayor May Not Be Able To Help Directly But He May Make You Feel Better  
GA: I Know You Used To Love Building Can Towns With Little Can Buildings And Chalk Streets And Chalk Skies  
GA: It Was All Very Silly And I Know I Mocked You And Dave for It But It Was Really Cute  
GA:  
GA: Terezi Please Talk To Someone Other Than That Damnable Makara  
GA: You Are Not Worthless No Matter What Lies He Tells You  
GA: We Really Do Care About You Even If You Cant See It  
GA: Or Smell It In Your Case  
GA:  
GA: We Will Be Reaching The New Session Soon  
GA: I Would Like It If I Could Talk To You There  
GA: In Person  
GA:  
GA: I Hope To Talk To You Soon  
GA:  
GA:<>

\--grimAuxiliatrix [GA] ceased trolling gallowsCalibrator [GC]\--


End file.
